Introduced in her book “On Death and Dying,” Elisabeth Kübler-Ross described the 5 stages of grief in what has become known as the Kübler-Ross Model. The theory holds that individuals experiencing extreme grief, particularly when facing terminal illness, will pass through five discreet steps culminating with acceptance.
Interestingly, the Kübler-Ross model potentially applies equally well to other traumatic or painful events. Looming eviction, the death of a beloved pet, the loss of a career make-or-break deal, a potentially significant prison sentence, divorce, loss of friends, etc are all potential triggers for the application of the model.
The determining factor in the application of the Kübler-Ross model is not so much the event but the potential pain or importance the individual associates with the event. Given two people facing a lay off, one may cope perfectly fine with the job loss and see it as an opportunity to try new things and finally get out of a dead-end position. The other individual, having staked their future plans on a continued career with the same company they loved working for, might well find themselves going through the five stages of grief.
It is also important not to assume cause. Somebody passing through the five stages of grief after a divorce might not be missing the person they’ve divorced in the least. Divorcing an individual you’ve been desperate to get away from for years will likely not evoke the 5 stages of grief over the absence of that individual whom you are divorcing. Dealing with several years of wasted time, and the failure of a marriage you’d staked your future on, however, might.
Finally, not all individuals will pass through all five stages of grief, do so in any predetermined amount of time, or necessarily do so in the order outlined below. Kübler-Ross asserts, however, that any individual dealing with significant grief will certainly pass through at least two of the stages.
The 5 Stages of Grief proposed by Elisabeth Kübler-Ross are:
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- Denial
- Anger
- Bargaining
- Depression
- Acceptance
As an example, a person going through the failure of their business might include -
Denial - “This can’t be happening. I did everything right. It must just be a brief downturn.”
Anger - “Why me! I worked so hard! If that competitor hadn’t opened across the street I’d be fine. Damn them!”
Bargaining - “There must be a way out of this. I’ll do anything!”
Depression - “What’s the point? Nothing works. I’m a failure. I just want to crawl under a rock and die.”
Acceptance - “I did do everything right. Sometimes things don’t work out the way you plan, I guess. Best if I sell off the remaining inventory, salvage what I can, learn from my mistakes and try again. It’s not a reflection on me. It just is what it is.”
The HowDoWhy staff has lost a beloved family member. We are currently in stage 4 of the model.
Bunny, you’ll live on in our hearts forever. Thank you for all the good you’ve inspired. We miss you terribly.